my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
