How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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