His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
