i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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