he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize