She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
