I hate your face
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
