note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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