I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
