end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
