This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
