Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I would fuck him just for his dog
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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