You just made me feel so damn special
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
