I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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