When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
