I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
