I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
third nipple confirmed
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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