I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
