with your own penis?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
