True but thats because hes a fetus.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Randomize
