i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
