This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
