3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
