I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
