Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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