I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
