I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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