then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
