I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
