i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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