apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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