I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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