i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Who died my cat blue again?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
