Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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