i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
