My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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