So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Blow job season was short but glorious.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
