I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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