my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
