you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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