ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
