I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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