remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
