I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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