They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
