i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
