I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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