when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
