If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
