hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
