Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
