In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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